Is Your Child Strong-Willed?

Are you experiencing challenges from your child whenever you request him/her to do something?

Come early adolescence, between ages nine and thirteen, the child typically begins the separation from childhood and no longer wants to be defined and treated as “just a child” anymore.

Now there is more opposition to parents from a young person who increasingly doesn’t like being told what he/she can and cannot do. Pushing against and away from parental authority for more independence, the early adolescent wants to create more room to grow (social freedom) and to assert more individuality (self-expression). On both counts she is more willful to live with and more determined to get her way, even when she makes wrong choices. In willful children, where there’s a will, there’s a win.

What is at stake?

During adolescence, parents, for the sake of safety and responsibility, take more unpopular stands for the young person’s best interests against new freedoms he may want. This means there is more frequent disagreement between them. And after some complaining and argument, the adolescent usually consents to live within the limits that parents firmly set.

With a willful early adolescent, however, there are two issues at stake, not one. First is the specific disagreement, about freedom to go bike riding after dark, for example. But second, and equally important, is the principle of winning for its own sake. Losing an argument with parents feels like giving in to their terms and losing face. That’s why having the last word feels so important to a strong-willed boy or girl.

Why your child constantly argues to win?

Willful children, particularly in adolescent, are often determined to debate until they win the argument or gain the freedom they want. Arguing to win is the order of the day. So what are parents supposed to do? Should they be equally willful back and refuse to declare defeat?

Did You Know?

What is the most common willpower that willful children lack? Patience with delayed gratification. Strong-willed children often lack the ability to wait for what they want without complaining or somehow hurrying time along. Willful children believe they “can’t wait” for what they want. A parent’s job is to teach them that they can.

No. Arguing to win at all costs only encourages the child to do the same. Better to declare “no contest” and take the issue of winning off the table by declaring something like this to your willful adolescent: “After explaining why I want something, I am not going to argue with you about it. After all, whether or not to cooperate with me is always up to you. There’s no point in fighting to win your freedom of choice with me because you already have it. Of course, if you choose not to cooperate with me, then I have choices about what I want to do in response.” To which declaration the willful child may ask, “Well, what will you do if I go bike riding after dark anyway?” This is when you clarify with your child that the issue is not who wins, but how his or her choices can influence your own. “That’s for me to decide, if you choose to go against my will,” you explain.